I N K M I N K
Holding hearts in our hands,                                        crushed just because                                                       we shouldn’t but can -we do what we don’t want to.Blood in the sand,leaves on the shore,smoke in the water,a sky that’s just sun.And so you change your mind - you get to walk out of this one alive,but what about me?And now this wall is builtright in front of our eyes.Did you see it coming?I didn’t see it coming at all.Boys in the band,leaves on the floor,plans for a daughter,we don’t even get a son.And so you change your mind -you get to walk out of this one alive,but what about me?And so you change your mindand I’m the idiot left asking selfishly,"But what about me?"I have been editing my thesis and a manuscript for a journal and I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.  Half of this weekend was spent doing that (today) and the other half was spent recording a song (Saturday).  The song (lyrics above) is called “Planned for a Daughter.”  I wanted to write about it right now because I am excited about it and also need to work some shit out emotionally - - - and isn’t that what tumblr is for?So I went into writing this song with one goal: write a song that mentions someone or something vaguely female.  As a sad gay man-child that makes depressing electronic music, most of my songs are about unrequited love.  And that love is for men (real or imaginary).  I wanted to “challenge” myself to write something that referenced a woman in some way just because I felt like I really should.  I say “challenge” (in quotes) because it really shouldn’t be that hard, and it ultimately wasn’t.  I was just surprised that nothing expressly feminine was ever a topic in any of my songs.  And so I decided to train my thoughts on “Karen.”Karen is what I remember being told I would have been named if I was born a girl.  I now don’t remember if that name is accurate, and I suppose I could call my mom and ask her, but whatever - I like Karen.  Karen is in fact what I would name myself were I drag queen (Karen Bear, to be precise).  But I digress - - - the line “plans for a daughter, we don’t even get a son” is a direct reference to Karen.  I assumed that, by having a name picked out for me, my parents maybe planned in some way to have a daughter.  The voice for those lines of the song is theirs.  By “[not] even [getting] a son” I mean to say that I turned out to be an immature pseudo-person with varying forms of mental illness and no real future that could give my parents grand children and holiday visits and whatever the fuck else I think a son is supposed to do for a parent that I can’t do.  That’s at least how I feel some of the time - like a bit of an unexpected disappointment.SIDENOTE - my brother found out from our dad that he and my mother did in fact want me to be a girl.  Art making a correct wild guess about life….If my parents are the voice in this song, then crushed hearts and walls being built reference their ultimate unhappiness with each other (hence their divorce) and the lamentation of not even getting a son could mean that they were disappointed with me as a child.  But their voice is really not the only voice that could be narrating this song.The choruses (“And so you change your mind…”) are really from me being selfish and acknowledging my selfishness after the spark of a burgeoning relationship was snuffed out by the other guy.  I was devastated it did not work and felt like an idiot for being so optimistic that it would.  And from me, the lines referring to crushing hearts and being powerless against constructed walls that come between people get at a very thick fug of a fear I have that I am ultimately powerless to my depression, anxiety, and neuroses and that I will never have control over how I treat people.  Maybe cruelty in young relationships stems from (or parallels) the destructive phase children seem to go through (I personally destroyed Hot Wheels and action figures).  I am both inflictor and victim when it comes to this.  Never innocent.There are other lines that reference small details of my life that relate to either my parents disappointment in me (“leaves on the shore” referencing living in Maine as a fay little boy, leaves from trees being on the shore of the lake we lived near) or when I felt out of control (“boys in the band, leaves on the floor” references the entirety of my life in Farmington, Maine, playing shows with people and not feeling like I fit in as a boy in a band though wanting to desperately and annoyingly…. the “leaves on the floor” references a performance my friend Chris did that he told me about where he pulled leaves out of his pants while he sang).So I guess what I mean to say with all of this is that I am working through a lot of repressed emotions and feelings I never really considered before, and it all stemmed from trying to include something female in a song.  And I would SHARE the actual song with you all but it’s fairly rough right now and might stay that way and I don’t want to give it away too early.  This is just a little bit of a look into what kind of things I have been writing about on this new album.If you read this and/or look forward to hearing the song and/or listen to my music at all - thank you!I SHOULD SAY that my parents have been nothing nut supportive of me and when I talk about them being disappointed in me, that comes from my own insecurities and interpretations of our interactions over the course of my life.  They’re good parents and people and I love them very much.

Holding hearts in our hands,                                        
crushed just because                                                       
we shouldn’t but can -
we do what we don’t want to.
Blood in the sand,
leaves on the shore,
smoke in the water,
a sky that’s just sun.

And so you change your mind -
you get to walk out of this one alive,
but what about me?

And now this wall is built
right in front of our eyes.
Did you see it coming?
I didn’t see it coming at all.
Boys in the band,
leaves on the floor,
plans for a daughter,
we don’t even get a son.

And so you change your mind -
you get to walk out of this one alive,
but what about me?
And so you change your mind
and I’m the idiot left asking selfishly,
"But what about me?"

I have been editing my thesis and a manuscript for a journal and I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.  Half of this weekend was spent doing that (today) and the other half was spent recording a song (Saturday).  The song (lyrics above) is called “Planned for a Daughter.”  I wanted to write about it right now because I am excited about it and also need to work some shit out emotionally - - - and isn’t that what tumblr is for?

So I went into writing this song with one goal: write a song that mentions someone or something vaguely female.  As a sad gay man-child that makes depressing electronic music, most of my songs are about unrequited love.  And that love is for men (real or imaginary).  I wanted to “challenge” myself to write something that referenced a woman in some way just because I felt like I really should.  I say “challenge” (in quotes) because it really shouldn’t be that hard, and it ultimately wasn’t.  I was just surprised that nothing expressly feminine was ever a topic in any of my songs.  And so I decided to train my thoughts on “Karen.”

Karen is what I remember being told I would have been named if I was born a girl.  I now don’t remember if that name is accurate, and I suppose I could call my mom and ask her, but whatever - I like Karen.  Karen is in fact what I would name myself were I drag queen (Karen Bear, to be precise).  But I digress - - - the line “plans for a daughter, we don’t even get a son” is a direct reference to Karen.  I assumed that, by having a name picked out for me, my parents maybe planned in some way to have a daughter.  The voice for those lines of the song is theirs.  By “[not] even [getting] a son” I mean to say that I turned out to be an immature pseudo-person with varying forms of mental illness and no real future that could give my parents grand children and holiday visits and whatever the fuck else I think a son is supposed to do for a parent that I can’t do.  That’s at least how I feel some of the time - like a bit of an unexpected disappointment.

SIDENOTE - my brother found out from our dad that he and my mother did in fact want me to be a girl.  Art making a correct wild guess about life….

If my parents are the voice in this song, then crushed hearts and walls being built reference their ultimate unhappiness with each other (hence their divorce) and the lamentation of not even getting a son could mean that they were disappointed with me as a child.  But their voice is really not the only voice that could be narrating this song.

The choruses (“And so you change your mind…”) are really from me being selfish and acknowledging my selfishness after the spark of a burgeoning relationship was snuffed out by the other guy.  I was devastated it did not work and felt like an idiot for being so optimistic that it would.  And from me, the lines referring to crushing hearts and being powerless against constructed walls that come between people get at a very thick fug of a fear I have that I am ultimately powerless to my depression, anxiety, and neuroses and that I will never have control over how I treat people.  Maybe cruelty in young relationships stems from (or parallels) the destructive phase children seem to go through (I personally destroyed Hot Wheels and action figures).  I am both inflictor and victim when it comes to this.  Never innocent.

There are other lines that reference small details of my life that relate to either my parents disappointment in me (“leaves on the shore” referencing living in Maine as a fay little boy, leaves from trees being on the shore of the lake we lived near) or when I felt out of control (“boys in the band, leaves on the floor” references the entirety of my life in Farmington, Maine, playing shows with people and not feeling like I fit in as a boy in a band though wanting to desperately and annoyingly…. the “leaves on the floor” references a performance my friend Chris did that he told me about where he pulled leaves out of his pants while he sang).

So I guess what I mean to say with all of this is that I am working through a lot of repressed emotions and feelings I never really considered before, and it all stemmed from trying to include something female in a song.  And I would SHARE the actual song with you all but it’s fairly rough right now and might stay that way and I don’t want to give it away too early.  This is just a little bit of a look into what kind of things I have been writing about on this new album.

If you read this and/or look forward to hearing the song and/or listen to my music at all - thank you!

I SHOULD SAY that my parents have been nothing nut supportive of me and when I talk about them being disappointed in me, that comes from my own insecurities and interpretations of our interactions over the course of my life.  They’re good parents and people and I love them very much.

Anxiety for everything.

Anxiety for everything.

the-goldengirls:

Super Golden Friends

I usually don’t reblog, but my boyfriend posted this and of course it’s awesome. I mean, it combines my Girls and his superheroes. What’s not to like?

A superhero movie I could really get behind.

NEW INKMINK STUFF

"Perfect Injured Dead" inkmnk single’s club abridgment: September 2, 2014

"State b/w salvia plath" new inkmink single from forthcoming album: October 2014

"Misophonia" new inkmink album: December 2014

"Maybe Just the End" EP of outtakes from Misophonia: February 2015

I wish I had MORE to say about these things, but I don’t really.  I’m just really excited about all this stuff and I hope you will be too.  When tracklists and covers for the album and EP are finalized, I will post them probably.  Until then…

http://inkmink.bandcamp.com/album/single-4-paper

I know she’s gone but can we talk about Milk?

ofp:

(via Izismile.com - These funny animals (43 pics))


I miss Maine.

Single 4: PAPER

Now we’re getting somewhere.  I say that because this is probably my favorite single.  The second time I used a really long song title (the first being something about clouds, but I don’t remember and don’t have a copy of it anywhere).  And the first time I think I really achieved that ambient sound I always wanted to make.

So the first song is about a guy I had a huge crush on.  We worked together.  We hung out a lot.  His girlfriend treated him poorly (or so myself and everyone we worked with thought).  This fueled my fantasy of him leaving her for me.  I wrote it thinking about him.  And the title, in its length and dramatics, is truthful.  I smoked a lot of cigarettes and would sometimes write notes or whatever on paper and burn it.  

The second song is a collaboration we did together.  He played the finger-picked guitar part, I played an easier part (I think… that might have also been him) and for sure did the tape noise.  The tape had a bunch of really rough demos of stuff I recorded earlier, plus I was recording him playing the guitar while he was playing it and we were recording it into the 4 track.  He came up with the finger-picked guitar part, too.  It’s weird to have that here because I think a lot of people will know who it is now.  But I have a hard time gauging how much of a secret it was and how much I care if it remains a secret.  The crush, not the music.  I like how it came out.  And while our collaboration yielded very little, the song now plays for me exactly how I look back at that situation: a bitter sweet, somewhat jumbled memory.  And sad, too, given that I was very desperate at the time and held out for something that would never happen (his love).

The remix happened during one of my earliest forays into remixing.  I don’t ever know what I’m doing with a remix or a cover, but I try sometimes.  And I like how that one came out.  

Please listen and share it if you like it. Also, if you’ve been missing the singles, don’t worry (ha. ha.)  They’ll come back sort of - in September I’ll release an abridged version of the singles collection - a song from each - a la Parenthetical Girls “Privilege” series.  I’m a fan of theirs and a bit of a thief.  So (please don’t) sue me. 

I just hope you all like it!

ruinedchildhood:

same.


I used to play soccer when I was much younger and liked it until we got a shitty coach with a handlebar mustache.

ruinedchildhood:

same.

I used to play soccer when I was much younger and liked it until we got a shitty coach with a handlebar mustache.